Dave’s Theory on Women, UFO’s, Alien Abductions, Spontaneous Human
Combustion, the JFK assassination, the Bermuda Triangle, Country, Rap,
and Heavy Metal music, and anything else that is hard to explain.

Copyright © 1994,1995,1996,1997,1998, 1999, 2000, 2014 by David S. Barlow
All Rights Reserved Worldwide
Unauthorized Duplication is Prohibited

Any Similarities to Actual Person or Persons Living or Dead is Purely Unintentional, Coincidental, and Damned Unlikely.

This is a Parody, it is not to be taken seriously (not even a little bit).

Rough draft #4.3
This draft was mainly the conversion to the new site.

A few years ago while reading an article on spontaneous human combustion, it hit me, we have been invaded by an alien life form.

Who or what is this alien life form you ask? The answer, women! The women we know and love have actually been abducted by aliens and replaced with alien clones. Think about it, men have never been able to understand women, even though we have lived with them for thousands of years. Why? The answer is simple, they are from another planet, each one of them has a copy of “The Book” that they consult on how to deal with earth men. Each copy of “The Book” contains everything they need to know about earth men. Each copy of “The Book” contains the same information, so they all have the same answers and they can deal with earth men in the same way.

I have figured out a few things about their home world. They come from a planet that has a higher ambient temperature than earth, which explains why women are cold most of the time. Their planet also has longer days than earth, this explain why it takes women so long to get ready to go somewhere. It took me a while to figure out why some women can be so moody, but here is what I came up with. The aliens get homesick quiet often, so they return to the home planet and a temporary replacement is sent in. The replacements never get to stay in one place for too long, so they are usually in a bad mood. The change is instant, but the memory transfer does not always work correctly, this is why when they get mad it can be for something that happened months or even years ago.

Now, I know by this point you are asking what happens to all the earth women they abduct? Simple, they are taken back to the home planet and reprogrammed. When their reprogramming is complete, they are returned to earth and their alien clones are reused in the next abduction.

What does all of this have to do with spontaneous human combustion you ask? Well that is the most simple answer of all. Every once in a while a man finds a copy of “The Book”, so to keep him from preventing the take over they must eliminate him with their death ray. Wait a minute you say. What about the female cases of spontaneous human combustion? Well, it took me a while to figure that one out myself, but I finally did. Earth women are usually quite intelligent, so from time to time the reprogramming fails and the women become a threat to the take over plans. Therefore, they must also be eliminated.

After I figured out what was really going on, I realized that this has been going on for a long time. I now understand why the government covered up Roswell. I also strongly suspect that JFK may have found a copy of “The Book”, but the death ray was broken that day. In the last few years I have noticed that the death ray is only being used as a last resort. In its place they are starting to use a form of mind control. It is fairly simple to spot those who have been subjected to the new mind control. They usually write whiny “My wife left me and my dog ran away” country music or “Bang your head on the wall” heavy
metal/rap music.

Now, on to the Bermuda Triangle. I believe the Bermuda Triangle must be their secret earth base, this explains all of the ship and plane disappearances in this area. You can’t very well keep a secret from the world if you let just anybody see it, so when someone happens to get too close they just disappear and the base is moved just to be safe. The aliens aren’t cold hearted though, they lock them in a time loop and just leave them there. That is why there have been reports of planes seeing old steamers in this area. The reports of planes standing still in this area are due to them getting too close to the time loop,
which is weak enough on its outer edges to be escaped. The time loops can also cause watches to lose or gain time, compasses to spin wildly, radios to fail, and a wide variety of other problems.

Which brings us to the increasing number of ufo sightings recently. There are two possible reasons. One – The invasion is nearing completion. Two – The aliens have decided that earth men are too difficult to deal with and having scrapped the whole idea, they are picking up their clones.

I have never seen a copy of “The Book” myself, and I hope I never do. I do know that “The Book” contains the rules that women use to deal with men, but these rules are rewritten whenever a man figures one of them out.

If you ever hear about me bursting into flames one day, you’ll know that I either saw a copy of “The Book” or I was eliminated because I knew too much.

I hope you have found this theory to be at least one of the following: useful, informative, enlightening, funny, or just downright silly. If you found this theory to be offensive, insulting, or inflammatory in any way, might I suggest you reread the red line near the top of this page.

This is not the final draft! I dreamed this theory up sometime in 1994, and have forgotten much of its original content. I have posted what I have to date per the request of many of my IRC friends, and will be adding more soon.

I would like to thank my wife whom I love dearly for proofing my work, giving me ideas, and putting up with me. I would also like to thank my friends on IRC who read the first 3 drafts and told me that I was nuts. Thanks, Dabber, Zippe, Comtech2, Mamapote, and anyone I have forgotten.

Dedicated to the memory of Ransom Monroe Barlow, a man who always loved a good joke, and the greatest man I have ever known.